Track-by-track review: Hard Candy

After the brilliance of 2005's "Confessions On A Dancefloor", Madonna is back with her 11th studio effort "Hard Candy", and it's a flawed record. The moment I heard Madonna was gathering the hottest hit-makers of the moment to create a record that would give her urban cred, I was worried. Madonna has often been a mainstream trend-setter, plucking obscure producers (William Orbit, Mirwais, Stuart Price) to come out with a unique sound everytime, which would set her apart from the competition. Now it appears she's doing the opposite, desperate to mimic the likes of younger, more "hip" female popstars such as Nelly Furtado and Gwen Stefani. You can't help but feel this album represents Madonna's mid-life crisis as this attempt to be accepted by the younger generations reeks of desperation. Justin Timberlake, Timbaland, Pharrel Williams are all on board, but instead of working together to create something fresh, innovative and daring, they have simply re-used their previous works and added Madonna's vocals. Madonna's albums have always felt personal to her but on "Hard Candy", she sounds detached as ever. Here's a track-by-track review:

Candy Store
Ja Rule did this in 2005. Like most of the material on this album, Madonna is 4 minutes too late (no pun intended...really). Dreadful lyrics (no Madonna, as much I love you, I don't want a piece of your turkish delight) on top of typical Pharrel production (not bad, but not a patch of his classic works with Britney and Gwen). It comes off sounding like a demo. I just hope this song is a piss-take, and that she's not actually taking herself seriously. There is something extremely disturbing about a 50 year old woman whispering "my candy is raw" multiple times. *Puts on "Erotica" to remember the days when Madonna could pull off hot and sexy so effortlessly*
2/5

4 Minutes
The first single in which Madonna provides guest vocals on a trademark Timbaland track. Justin proves why he's at the top of his game. Even though the lyrics are shit, his effortless, smooth vocal performance is pure class and saves "4 Minutes". With the two Tims are on board, this is the US hit Madonna has been having wet dreams over for years. Too bad it still can't get her to #1.
3/5

Give It 2 Me
My first thought: production sounds half-baked. Some great synths happening in the chorus. It's all safe fun, nothing remarkable. Apparently this is second single.
3/5

Heartbeat
Probably my favourite on the album. I love the weird vocal arrangements, and her high-pitched vocals in the bridge. Memorable chorus, lets pray this is a single. My only complaint is the breakdown in the middle in which Madonna pulls off her best Nelly Furtado impersonation *rolls eyes*.
4/5

Miles Away
Certainly not miles away from sounding like a more up-tempo cardboard copy of Nelly Furtado's "All Good Things Come To An End". It's nice enough, probably her best vocal performance on the record.
3/5

She's Not Me
The silky production of this electro-dance track is terrific. The verses are completely cringeful (she was stealin, stealin, stealin, and now you're feelin, feelin, feelin). The bridges and chorus are great though (although instead of "love you", a "fuck you in the shower", would have been a bit more interesting).
3.5/5

Incredible
Hmmm...the production sounds dated. I've definitely heard this track before, but can't put my finger on it. I like the verses, but the chorus is cheese galore.
2/5

The Beat Goes On
A 70s-style slow-groove from Pharrel. Nothing like the demo that leaked months ago, although it retains the hypnotic "on and on and on the beat goes on". One of the album's better tracks. Features a non-eventful Kanye West appearance.
4/5

Dance 2Night
Second Justin duet, although Justin lets Madonna take up more vocal time. Features the terrible lyric "you don't have to be rich and famous to be good"...um ok. The chorus is reminiscent of classic Michael Jackson. This track is actually very street-wise and "cool" in a retro kind of way. One of the better tracks in which Madge sounds in her element.
4/5

Spanish Lesson
DREADFUL. Worst song on the album in which Madonna attempts to teach us Spanish. Oh the pain, it doesn't get any cringier than this. How did this make the final cut!?
1/5

Devil Wouldn't Recognise You
A shameless re-hash of Justin's "What Goes Around (Comes Around)". An example of where Madonna sounds like a guest vocalist on someone else's track. It's not bad, I like it, but its not Madonna.
3/5

Voices
Album finishes on a serious, dramatic note. Decent track, not much to write on it.
3/5